


By the Seaside

by Blackstarsabove



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Alfie is trying, Angst and Feels, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Post-Season/Series 05, So does Tommy, Suicidal Thoughts, Tommy doesn't want to try anymore, i need to sleep more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:27:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27446371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackstarsabove/pseuds/Blackstarsabove
Summary: Tommy struggles to deal with the failure of his plan so he goes to the only place he can think of: Margate
Relationships: Tommy Shelby & Alfie Solomons, Tommy Shelby/Alfie Solomons
Comments: 1
Kudos: 37





	By the Seaside

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna be honest with you, I didn't even bother to read over the second half again cause if I had this would have died I my drafts.  
> Mayne I'll publish a rewrite some day.

_"Sometimes death is a kindness"_

His own words echoed in his mind as the harsh wind whipped his hair around. He could hear the seagulls crying in the distance, their angry screams drowned out by the furious sea that was threatening to pull the ground out from underneath his feet. But still he stood right there, at the edge of the ocean as he too cried and cried, willing for the waves to carry away all this pain.

Thomas Shelby had been breaking for so long, the weight of his precious crown growing and growing until finally he caved, shattered into a million pieces.  
Pieces that no one had ever bothered to pick up.  
Instead they were all judging him, their cold, hard stares boring into him as they pointed fingers, demanding that he do more, blaming him for all that was bad in their lives, all the while breaking what had already been broken.  
Tommy had worked tirelessly to build a better future for his family, had willingly given so many of those pieces of himself even if that meant he would never be whole again.  
And for what?  
Broken promises, worthless titles and an empty mansion.

Thomas was weary, he could feel the exhaustion that had settled itself deep within his brittle bones. Each beat of his rotten heart brought with it a new wave of pain, another memory of what he had lost in his selfish quest for reputation and power.

Sometimes, more and more often these days, he found himself forgetting the reason for his sacrifices, the last wish of a boy that now lay dead in a collapsed tunnel somewhere in France. The wish that he would never again have to fight the battles of powerful man, the wish young Finn would never have to witness the horrors of war.

Now he just wished that he really stayed dead back then so that he could have been remembered as someone good. As the happy, loving and gentle boy he had once been to those who knew him and one of many war heroes to everyone else.

Tommy chuckled at the thought- an ugly sound, so utterly broken it sounded more like wailing even to his own ears- the next moment he was burrying his hands in the soft sand once again, trying to ground himself as he turned his eyes skywards.  
So many times he could have died and yet here he was, all alone with his failures.  
Perhaps not even death wanted him anymore.

Soon, Tommy found himself surrounded by darkness.  
The restless sea had swallowed the sun, drowning it in its dark depths and now it was trying to take him too. He could feel the water climb up his legs where he was kneeling but he stayed still, empty eyes still clinging to the horizon as he listened to the sea calling his name.  
He liked to think that it was his mother, that perhaps they'd be reunited soon and that he'd find the rest that this world had denied him.

It was Alfie who found him there eventually, in the pale silver of the moon light.  
Tommy didn't react to the light the older man carried, his head tilted up to where the first stars had started to blink into existence.  
Alfie sighed, dropping a blanket over the younger man's shoulders gently before coming to stand next to him.  
The water had retreated slightly, leaving behind only the sand as if nothing had ever changed.  
There were no words to say, nothing to mend the broken pieces anymore now that so much of Tommy was gone like the grains of sand swallowed by the sea, the cruel world.  
On the outside Thomas looked like he always did. His hair was still short on the sides- shorter than before even-, pale freckles were still visible on his still too pale face and his eyes were still the same blue.  
But Alfie knew better than to let that fool him or perhaps that was what he liked to tell himself because it was not hard to see the damage now that Tommy could no longer hide it and as much as Alfie liked to claim he knew this fascinating man, he also hadn't noticed the missing pieces.

"A little cold out here, innit?", Alfie asked after a while when Tommy didn't move on his own accord.  
But there was no answer either. Just the waves in the distance.  
"Let's get you inside, yeah?"  
Silence.

It wasn't nearly as hard as he had thought to manouver Tommy back to his house. Once put on his feet the younger actually walked on his own, slowly and a little unsteady here and there, the haunted look never leaving his eyes.  
Not even when Alfie sat down a cup of tea in front of him some time later.  
He had gotten Tommy to lie on the comfortable couch by the balcony, cuddled up in all the blankets his housekeeper had been able to find to fend of the chill from sitting out there for so long.  
Thomas had yet to say a word and Alfie was starting to doubt that he would.

The younger man had seen his fair share of horrors, some of which not even Alfie could phantom, and he knew that Tommy, this hard headed Gypsy bastard, had never taken the time to properly come to terms with what had happened.  
He didn't sleep, he barely ate, just smoked a cigarette and washed it down with whiskey afterwards.

One night Alfie remembered asking him about it.  
Tommy had been half asleep on his bed, cigarette in his hand despite his blue eyes slipping shut more and more often.  
"Those cigarettes, yeah, they're gonna fucking kill ya one day, mate."  
"I'm dead already", Tommy had responded with only a short hesitation, his eyes briefly meeting Alfie's where he sat in his chair opposite him.  
"Tunnel collapse", he added after a while, dropping his cigarette in the ashtray that stood on the nightstand, "and you can't kill a man that's already dead."

Perhaps Alfie should have said something back then but really what was there to say? Thomas Shelby had died in France just like so many others. Fathers, sons, brothers, husbands, they all died there the problem was just that some of them had come back, cursed to live their remaining years plagued by the screams of their comrades, explosions and pic axes forever imprinted in their minds.

It was no surprise that Tommy had slipped off the edge eventually, he'd been balancing up there for far too long, So far up and yet no one had seen, no one had helped.

Alfie didn't know what exactly had gone wrong at the rally and he couldn't give a fuck either because Tommy Shelby had fallen, the king of Birmingham had fallen and Alfie hadn't been there to catch him.

It wasn't his job, he knew that and yet he felt as though he had failed the beautiful man with the blue eyes.  
Tommy had always had a special place in Alfie's heart and even though the moments they had shared as more than business acquaintances, as more than friends even, had long since become distant memories, Alfie still cared.  
Well, he had to because almighty Tommy Shelby clearly couldn't.

"Alfie?", Tommy's voice was uncharacteristically quiet, lacking its usual authority and the older man could hear the utter exhaustion that had taken its place.  
A few hours had passed since he had brought Tommy here, the whole of which they had spent in silence with Tommy far, far away, put of Alfie's reach and Alfie reading a book, glancing at him every so often.  
"Will you hold me?", Tommy added even more quietly, his eyes still trained at the ceiling.  
And for once Alfie said nothing, just went to join him on the couch.  
And they didn't talk about what happened because it didn't matter, they didn't talk about business because it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Tommy was here with him now and that all would be well again soon.

Thomas smiled softly, allowing himself this moment of peace as he tried to blink the tears away. He deserved this much for all the bad he had endured, he deserved to have one good thing at last.  
In the early hours of morning, when the sky was just starting to lighten and Alfie was snoring next to him, Tommy slipped out of the other man's grasp, allowing himself a moment to grief the loss of warmth before he stepped out onto the balcony and walked the short distance to the ocean.

"In the Bleak midwinter", Tommy whispered, the words swallowed by the waves as he let the raging sea take him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this mess born of sleep deprivation  
> If you did, perhaps consider leaving a like or comment, if always makes my day and if you didn't like it, I'm always trying to improve so feedback is always appreciated.
> 
> Also I'd like to note that the end is essentially open for interpretation which is why I chose the tag "mentions of Suicide" instead of major character death


End file.
